Beautiful
by Deepy
Summary: Great Expectations vignette. Estella reflects on her life and her feelings on the day of her marriage to Drummle.


Disclaimer: I do not own Great Expectations nor do I own any of the characters talked about in this piece.  This was just something I did for an English project.  I just guessed on Estella's eye colour, I imagined them to be grey.  

Beautiful

Beautiful.  Brown hair and grey eyes look back at me.  A white-laced veil rests on the bed of brown.  I am wearing a white dress, the feeling of the lace and the velvet coarse against my skin.  Unlike the old woman's, it is snow white; and one day, it will fade into yellow also.  Beautiful.  It is the tool I have used to get what I wanted, the tool to attract hearts and eventually break them.  Thus is my purpose, what I was put in life to do, what the old woman raised me to do.  What else am I good for?  When people look at me, beauty is what they see.  It is not constant, and will fade with time, as will I.  

She is putting jewels on me; the room is dark, lit as always by many candles.  The rocks glitter in the candlelight, as they have always done and one day, they too will fade.  Nothing is constant; change is inevitable.  The old woman had always put those jewels on me, it was as if I was a prize that she was giving away, or using as temptation.  She is standing behind me, looking into the mirror at her own reflection.  I wonder what she sees in it.  Does she see an old woman in a yellow dress or the young bride that she was once was?  The contrast is so sharp between her and myself, the old bride and the new.  I wonder if she was also like me when she was younger, or did time change her into the bitter and crazy woman that she is now.  

We are both silent.  That is preferred for a bride, to be silent and smiling.  I will smile today but I know that it will not be different from the smile that I always give.  The smile that is akin to everything that I am: false and cold.  Yet, that is what men love, they know naught of the difference between something real and false.  Beautiful.  That is what I am.  It is a curse, though others will be tempted to say otherwise.  For today, I am marrying a man who I know does not love me and I do not love him.  This is the smile that I will give him.  He will more likely leave me when my beauty fades.  When that day comes, it will be more joyous that this day. 

His face appears in my mind, looking sorrowfully at me, tears falling from his eyes that had always looked at me with adoration.  I remember that day, when he declared his love for me.  He wanted me to marry him instead.  To anyone else, it would be the more plausible idea, to marry someone who loves you.  I am not a plausible person.  I have considered the notion many times before I came to this decision, such a path I do not deserve.  He will not be happy with me, I have caused him too much grief and despondency.  What he feels for me, I will never be able to reciprocate.  How can I love when I was raised without it?  And how can I live with in the presence of such an emotion?  Emotions are not who I am.  Nay, he will be happier just forgetting about me.  That is the way it has to be.  The beautiful, cold-hearted, and proud Estella does not lose control, her purpose was to take revenge upon the race of men and she had done so.  Now she is ready to move on. 

 In the candlelight, I see that a tear has fallen.  Who is it for?  Is it for me, for Philip, or for the life I have led.  It does not matter now, 'tis too late for regrets.  I have never regretted any decision I had made and will not regret this decision either.  That horrible display of emotion is quickly wiped away.  I pull the veil over my face.  Beautiful.    

Fin…

A/N: This was a short vignette I did for an English project.  I actually enjoyed _Great Expectations_ very much.  It is just my view of Estella and her thoughts.  She can't be all cold, there has to be a trace of humanity and emotion inside her.  That was what I was hoping to portray.  Apologies if she seemed OOC.


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